I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
