She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize