she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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