4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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