My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
