I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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