My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
