He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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