I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
