I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
