Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Less talking, more tequila
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
