Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize