So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
