she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
