Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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