MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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