sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
