My sheets look like a crime scene.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize