just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
