Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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