Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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