They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize