I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
