my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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