I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I think my moral compass just broke
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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