every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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