That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
