I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
