I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
