...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
