Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Randomize
