Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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