My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
