Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
