Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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