I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm at about main and main street
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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