I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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