Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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