i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize