i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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