If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
