so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
