tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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