Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
