allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
