I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
