if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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