I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
