I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
In other news, I just burned my penis
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
