On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
