I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
