Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
