Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
