Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
