saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
