Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Randomize
