the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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