I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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