she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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