fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
