sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
