then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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