Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I have fence marks all over my body
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize