You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It's blow job season.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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