Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
