I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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